Appropriate Uses For Caffeine

By Nataly Delcid

Black Coffee

• You’re a student and you want to show up to class looking all mysterious and edgy so your teachers think you're a prodigy.

• You’re a lazy shit.

• You’re poor

• You’re old

• You’re Nataly Delcid

Oat Milk Latte

• You’re rich

• It's winter and want to know what it’s like to be happy again

• You’re socially and romantically starved and want to know that the barista did latte art for you and just you because you haven’t felt the gentle touch of a lover in 18 months.

Celsius

• You have a 12-page paper due in 9 hours that you haven’t laid a finger on.

• You have a concussion and need to know what it’s like to feel happy again.

• You’re about to play a sports game and feel the need to drink a Celsius because you’re a hoe for the placebo effect.

• You hate FDA approved products

• You hate the FDA

• You hate the government

• You hate democracy

• You want high blood pressure

Tea

• You’re British

• You do not have a 12-page paper due in 9 hours that you haven’t laid a finger on.

• You’re poor

Red Bull

• You hate yourself

• You’re a Satanist

Pre-Workout

• See Celsius, appropriate use #3

• Your name is Kyle

• You’re Mormon

Frappuccino

Shut the fuck up.