By Rose Aune
Outlandish Makeup: Double-check the last time I’ve worn “Positively Plum” lipstick before you buy this one for me.
Regifts: You didn’t like this broccoli spiralizer. Neither do I, but the broccoli bits do add some authenticity.
Animals: Thank you for the new responsibility….now I have to figure out how to care for Coco Chanel Divalicious.
Fake Designer: A Louid Voution handbag? So exclusive it doesn’t exist.
Candy: Is it October?
Textbooks: No explanation needed.
Gym Membership: What are you trying to tell me?
Anything Cashmere: I live in Florida.
Barbie dolls: Good when I was six. Today? Not so much.
Any age branded merchandise: today is the last day I can wear this…
Digital gift cards: I am not a techy girly. I will not know how to redeem this.
Planners: for a July birthday?
Jenny Craig boxes: see Gym Membership.
Massages: I’m not tense. Just high strung.
Fruit: I don’t care if it’s those expensive Harry and David pears. No one wants to tear open layers of wrapping paper, open the gift box and remove tissue paper just to discover fruit. Save your apple a day for your doctor.
Anything monogrammed: Actually, this one is useful. Everytime I forget my own initials I can just refer to my gingham canvas bag.
DIY kits: Because nothing says I love you like giving me a kit with a three hundred page instruction manual, glitter, and a wasted afternoon included.
Candles: So you’re saying my house smells so bad that it needs paraffin and synthetic fragrance to hide it?
Artwork: So I can hear your questions about where it is every time you come over.
Useful Gift cards: An Office Depot gift card? What happened to Ulta or Target?
Self-help Books: Seems like you missed the key word of “self.”
Generic gift baskets: Great. A pair of socks, some candy, and a mug. Thanks.
Hopefully you were taking notes. And yes, my friends are still getting broccoli spiralizers for their birthdays.