By Ishaana Vishwanath
After experiencing multiple reality-altering existential crises, cinematically causing huge amounts of collateral damage and possible nuclear fallout, and spending most of their time around the city muttering quotes from Fight Club, the superhero Youth Of Ambiguous Age will, once again, save The World As We Know It from the clutches of a sweaty, blood-soaked, hairy villain confirmed by experts to be an explicit metaphor for puberty. In this way, the Youth of Ambiguous Age (previously Super Baby Bubblegum Kiddo) follows a common pattern seen among most youth superheroes as they age, forcefully changing their branding to receive a new form of recognition as so-called “edgy” superheroes.
What is behind this transformation? As expert Steve Ennis expertly explains: “Edgy/darker superheroes often engage in more violent and operatic storylines that allow pretentious filmmakers to delude themselves that the superhero movies they make are not ‘kid stuff’ but in fact ‘serious drama’.” He then went on to list numerous signs of such transformations: a tendency to constantly be shrouded in shadows, tighter, shinier costumes, higher usage of colorful four-letter curses, and an increase in adult activity being performed by supposedly ‘underage’ heroes (who, in this phase, will often suspiciously resemble vertically challenged 30 year old actors).
In recent years, these newly minted ‘edgy’ superheroes have left their mark on the city, both physically and emotionally, as many a randomly accosted citizen could attest. However, there is evidence that not much has changed as a result: while general interest in alcohol, vice, and Nietzsche has increased by a constant percentage among the population, the quality of schools has drastically gone down, and students in afflicted areas were oft spotted unable to do anything except listen to Hans Zimmer on repeat, tears streaming down their faces.
Although these changes may have alienated the hero’s target audience, both Hot Topic and Spencer’s Gifts were reported to have been delighted at the sudden change in heart, citing it as an opportunity to move their famously sedentary, light-sensitive customers to action away from their body pillows. Said one spokesperson, “First Hazbin Hotel, now this? The gods have blessed us!”
The famous Youth themselves was unusually quiet about the matter, declining to comment apart from reciting a speech from V for Vendetta before snapping and saying, quote, “You’re just part of the media propaganda machine, and you know nothing about the pain of having near-infinite power to mold reality as you want! Plus, like, you’re not my mom, so go away.” (They then proceeded to fly away and pummel a giant aardvark with Olivia Rodrigo’s face into a building. No adults were spotted attempting to help them.)
Though some citizens might be concerned by the frequency of these heroes, Steve Ennis explains that this is an inevitable part of a hero’s journey. “Every person needs a way to express their inner turmoil and break free from stereotypes, even if such an attempt is peak cringe and a few thousand people die along the way. Besides, if they don’t do it themselves, the CW will. Trust me: you don’t wanna see that.”
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