By Deadpool (A.K.A. Nate Promer)
So you think you saw Deadpool & Wolverine? Bud, that was nothing but what the little panty-tweedling hose pluggers at Marvel edited me down to. But I’m back snot buckets! Grab your Good n’ Plenty’s, this is about to get uncut!
Hold on. I’m getting a call. Yes? Who’s this?
What does P.G.A. stand for? Oh really? Are you sure it isn’t a Phineas Gage Alias? Sometimes postnominals change. Do we need to have a talk about how your body and title might be changing? Are you sure? It’s okay, it happens to every little producer when he turns into a man producer. It’s really nothing to be ashamed of– If you insist, but know that my door is always open. Anyway, what is it you want? I can’t share the uncut monologues from Deadpool 3?! Yes, I know it’s called Deadpool and Wolverine, but let’s be real, I’m the main character; the masses will only call it Deadpool 3. You can honestly completely ignore Wolverine. Anyway Mr. Producer Gooning Authority, I’ve digressed; we need to refocus. Your butt expects me to keep my tight pie hole closed? Fat chance– What’s that? You’re gonna do what to me if I talk about it? A little kinky, but if you’re into it I guess I can be too. Huh? I think we're breaking up. Alright, I’ll talk to you later– Oh, you embarrass me! I love you too!
Sorry. So rude of Mr. Pre-Gamblers Anonymous. And by the way, we weren’t actually breaking up! I just waved my phone around and pretended we were breaking up because I didn’t want to keep talking to him. I actually have the reliable service of big wireless for far less money because I use this amazing wireless company I found called Mint Mobile. Their ads are so creative and they have such an attractive celebrity spokesperson.
Anyway, unfortunately you can’t hear my voice and I can’t show you the actual scenes because of these digital confines, so we’ll all have to just picture me moving my hand in a yapping motion whenever I’m quoting a Wolverine line. Don’t worry, most of what he says is utter yap, you won’t miss much.
Alright, here’s the scene: I’ve just met up with the whole crew in neverland or whatever the weird afterlife is.
“Holy what the shizzbucket? There are more characters being introduced after the first act? I should’ve left Fox sooner.”
Then it’s a bunch of existential yapping from the side characters.
Wolvie says, “Yap Yap Yaperoo,” or something like that. Doesn’t matter, his name is second on the movie, and by 5th grade group project rules that means I did all the work. Throughout the conversation, I struggle between being an engaged group leader and mindlessly staring at Channing Tatum’s succulent lips. How will the group survive the Abyss or whatever the random universe we spawned into is called? How did we afford Channing Tatum? And why can’t Wolvie just stop yapping like it’s his movie? This is the exact inner monologue they told me to have in acting school, and you, dear reader, can’t see, but I’m killing it.
“That doesn’t seem like a plan.” I say.
“Yapadoodle doo,” replies Wolvie.
“No, bud, that plan’s worse than a big wireless phone plan when Mint Mobile is much cheaper and has the same if not better coverage. Your plan is barely even a concept of a plan. It’s more questionable than the future of Spiderman in the MCU.”
Wesley Snipes’s character from whatever old movie Wesley Snipes was in said something about being serious and honestly, it was pretty bad yap. I had hopes for Wes; I thought I’d find someone who doesn’t yap excessively, but so far it was sounding more English teacher than concise wireless celebrity spokesperson.
“Mr. Vampire dude; shut up. We’re in the basement of the cosmic Alamo or something. Drop the bit. If this weren’t a Disney movie I’d **** *** ***** **** ***** ******* *** it could be served at a sushi restaurant. Alright, here is the final plan, and don’t worry, we got rid of all the fluff and the part where Channing Tatum covers any part of his sexiest man alive face.”
I proceeded to yap the rest of the plan, and the rest is very well documented in the movie. So that’s that, I hope you are now better informed about where to get gin and wireless and what footballer clubs are best. Other than that, have a nice day and I’ll see you in a mindless cash grab that was a terribly written comedy so they just decided to hire me and pray.
Love,
Deadpool
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