By William Dickson
Dear Professor Dumbledore,
It is with great disdain that I, Harold Houdini from the Ministry of Magic’s Health and Education Department, decree that The Hogwarts school for children should be shut down for sub par health and food conditions for which students, faculty, and staff have had to endure.
The following are just a few of the grievances that we The Ministry have come across during our inspections of the Hogwarts grounds:
Legal infraction number 1: Harm to children. The school has experienced an infestation of what seems to be a giant snake, which aside from having killed many students, has been caught licking all the polyjuice plants that were meant for consumption in spells class. For this, we are demoting your food safety ranking by one letter grade.
Legal infraction number 2: Improper arborist tending. Our inspection came across a giant tree that destroys anything that comes close to it. While this alone raised an eyebrow or two, matters were complicated when the Ministry's head arborist concluded that the branch width exceeded the length of two quidditch broomsticks (he was shortly attacked by the tree soon after these measurements.)
Legal infraction number 3: Unsafe architecture. It has come to our attention that the stairwells at Hogwarts seemingly had a design flaw (although the architect described it as a feature) in which the stairs seemed to move in a non-escalator manner. Aside from students falling left and right, the use of a rare magical Mahogany tree for the wood choice indicated the endangerment of an endangered tree species.
Legal infraction number 4: Improper pest control. Given the location of a dark forest with unspeakable terrors that was built adjacent to the campus, our Ministry had some concerns regarding the presence of vermin and insects. Our Ministry contracted an exterminator (who hasn’t been seen since his audit) cited an alarming presence of giant spiders, which can (and unfortunately often do) bite students. Additionally, and albeit trivially, there are fears of termites and poison ivy!
Legal infraction number 5: The miseducation of children. When we sent over our education consultant team, their reports regarding the academic standards of Hogwarts were shocking. The school is subpar in all academic fields, specifically arithmetic as many of the students thought that “slope intercepts” and “hypotenuses” were types of potions.
Legal infraction number 6: Animal cruelty. Some of the students and teachers we spoke to kept insisting that their teacher was a cat. As you know, it is illegal to assign cats roles in academia in the UK, as only dog and turtle species are allowed to hold degrees. On an unrelated yet positive note, the rat population is down by 30%!
Legal infraction number 7: Possible Drugging of Students, The ministry did not take kindly to student reports that the paintings were “talking”, as this indicated that these students seem to be mentally ill or under the influence of any harmful substances.
Legal infraction number 8: A second charge of animal cruelty and student endangerment. The school’s participation in a tournament where 14 year old students are tasked with fighting fire breathing dragons was not deemed to be appropriate for either the students or dragons.
Legal infraction number 9: Fighting. While we at the Ministry understand that occasional brawls do in fact occur on school grounds, we are not used to coming across cases where the teachers encourage duels and go as far as providing arms in the form of wands. Furthermore, splinter-related nurse visits were at a rate triple the national average.
Legal infraction number 10: Unauthorized personal. The presence of large cloaked figures (which the students are familiar enough with to the point where they’ve begun calling them Dementors) patrol the campus seemingly without any supervision. To make matters worse, they did not show proper credentials when asked for a form of ID.
Legal infraction number 11: Questionable hiring choices. Our team of auditors was somewhat concerned with the decision to hire a 10 foot giant who went by the name of Hagrid, seeing that this individual had a notable reputation for communicating with the aforementioned spiders. While he seemed kind enough, we were alarmed by his groundskeeping equipment which included Flesh Eating Slug Repellent and Griffins. Other members of staff are also under scrutiny,
Legal infraction number 12: Unlawful elf union-busting. A whistleblower from the elf chapter of Amnesty International provided us with a hidden recording of Dumbdore appearing to say “I will incendio your paycheck” to an elf employee. Further claims made by the elves state that they are underpaid and understaffed who are forced to make hundreds of meals per year. To make matters EVEN worse, these meals often result in food waste, and if there’s one thing this Ministry will not stand for, it’s threats to sustainable campuses!
Legal infraction number 13: Improper disciplinary measures. A few years ago, the Ministry came across a rather upsetting report where two twelve year old boys stole a parents' flying car, drove it throughout England, damaged property of civilians and destroyed school property. Even worse than the crime itself was that they only received a detention and five point deduction for Gryffindor (whatever that means) as a disciplinary action.
Given the reasons listed above, it is an understatement to say that the Ministry is displeased with the actions of Hogwarts. This school is in a humanitarian and health crisis where children are shipped away from their parents to a school that is underperforming academically, only to be met with an environment that is unsafe for all in attendance and on staff. As such, we have no other choice but to cut our funding to the campus as we cannot in good faith watch as our finances are wasted on such chicanery!
With Much Anger,
Harold Houdini of the Ministry of Magic’s Health and Education Department.
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