By Siona Kirschner
Pomeranian: The pomeranian would definitely have a different Stanley for every day of the week (with accessories to match). You really want to hate her because of a mix of internalized misogyny and rage towards our culture of overconsumption, but it’s hard to because she’s actually really sweet and shockingly efficient and skilled at her job.
Golden Retriever: Somewhat the opposite of the pomeranian in that you want to like him because you feel like you’re supposed to, but you actually hate him because he’s annoying as fuck and the true epitome of toxic positivity. He also either ignores you to kiss up to someone else or he literally will not leave you alone when you’re trying to work. He will dismiss and/or steal every idea you ever bring up in a meeting and everyone acts like every word out of his mouth just proves how brilliant and down to earth he is. You have never seen proof of him actually doing any work, and strongly suspect that this is because he doesn’t.
Beagle: Horrible at his job. Truly, has never done anything right. It’s impossible to figure out why he hasn’t been fired, because he isn’t even competent enough to hide his incompetence. No hate though, because he brings you coffee without even needing to ask your order and never gatekeeps the cool lunch spots he’s always finding.
Corgi: Has a British accent you strongly suspect to be fake (she says she picked it up when she went to England for six days). She desperately wants to come off as collected and elegant, but gets extremely excited about pretty much everything. She definitely has a signature jacket that she wears every single day and a “work bestie” who she’s a little too committed to.
Papillon: You genuinely have no idea how anyone could possibly have so much energy. Like, you are truly baffled by her. She claims to be both a night owl and a morning bird (translation: she does not sleep). Her coffee consumption consists strictly of those Starbucks frappuccinos that have captured the adoration of middle school girls across America. She has a new hobby obsession every single week and gives the best compliments.
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