FITTING THE BILL
An odyssey in one act
Written by
Cyrus Sarfaty, Beckett Herbert
INT. BOARDROOM - DAY.
STEK, early 40s, thick handlebar mustache, toupée, shouts from behind a mahogany desk. We only see above his collarbone.
A FIST POUNDS ON THE DESK
STEK
Man, I don't get it. After all these years, after everything I've done, after this, after that, after--
We reveal GROVER, STEK's disappointed boss, late 50s, white hair, frown lines deeply embedded in his face.
GROVER
Name one thing you've done for this company.
STEK
I-- I-- I--
GROVER
Streamlined efficiency--
STEK
Nonsense--
GROVER
Facilitated synergy--
STEK
Meaningless--
GROVER
Engaged globally-network client based users--
STEK
Sounds like you have a "corporate BS generator" tab open on your laptop right now, Stek.
GROVER
Grover!--
STEK
Don't "Grover" me, it's Mr. Cleveland to you.
GROVER
I can't believe I didn't fire you three years ago when you--
STEK
What? When you-- What?
GROVER
When you put yellow food colouring in the water fountain--
STEK
What's the problem with that, Grove?
GROVER
Mr. Cleveland.
STEK
Grove, man. It was necessary. To boost morale.
GROVER
When you replaced all the meat in the fridge with seafood, when you keep ducking all the meetings--
STEK
I'm attending all the meetings!
We reveal that STEK is dressed in a full duck costume.
GROVER
When you keep on showing up to meetings in this ridiculous attire. Stek, this is a serious corporation here. My great-grandfather founded this company with nothing more than a dream. And slowly but surely, look what we've become. I've worked tirelessly to keep this afloat--
STEK
Me too.
GROVER
No, you haven't. (A beat.) I've worked doggedly--
STEK
Duckedly--
GROVER
And wise-crackers like you--
STEK
Wise-quackers--
GROVER
Refuse to foot the bill--
STEK
You said it, not me.
GROVER
Silence, Stek!
GROVER looks up suddenly– a rare flash of fear from a normally-stone cold face. HELEN, late 70s, powdered wig, full-on Marie Antoinette fit, stomps into the boardroom, a leash hauling four great danes in her fist.
GROVER (CONT'D)
Helen! What a tremendous surprise! Our meeting is not until 3:30--
HELEN
(steely)
Who is this?
HELEN points to STEK. A long beat.
STEK
Who, me?
HELEN
Get him out.
GROVER
Well, Helen, I can pour you a beverage should you desire one--
HELEN
(louder)
Get. Him. Out--
STEK slams his fist on the desk and stands up.
STEK
Alright, eee-nough. I know I haven't been the most productive employee, the most efficient employee, certainly not the employee who has best streamlined synergy.
GROVER
Well, I'll say--
STEK
But if I've learned anything in my tenure at this organization, it's that y'all are a bunch of cruel, cold-hearted souls with nothing more than a stapler for a heart and a Slack Pro subscription for a brain--
GROVER
Speak not of Slack in such a manner--
HELEN
Impious wretch!
STEK
--and you have no idea how to treat your employees.
HELEN
Leave!
Two burly SECURITY OFFICERS appear behind STEK and grab him by the arms, about to escort him out of the room.
STEK
And my soul is rubber-- keep me down and I'll guarantee you, this time next year my rival company will leave yours to drown. I try to boost morale here. Hell, I try to raise the bar. Because this is SqueakyCorp-- (STEK pulls a rubber duck out of his pocket and gives it a little honk.) --and winging it is part of our nature.
---
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. OFFICE TOWER, LATE AFTERNOON, RAINING.
STEK holds a box of office supplies, his head down.
---
THE END
---
Now it should copy and paste cleanly without any formatting symbols!
Comentarios