By Ishaana Vishwanath
We are now only about a few days out from Halloween, and with that time comes lots of frights, delights, and fun thrills for your family to enjoy this season! However, you may find that you are also overwhelmed with choice when picking your spooky little decorations, candy, and silly costumes. After all, what is your value as a human being if you buy a singular, sad pumpkin instead of an entire $800 graveyard complete with cackling witches and headstones to decorate your 50 foot front yard, you useless lump of flesh? Worst of all, what if you don’t put out the portion-limited candy corn? Catastrophe!
Luckily, our top notch editorial staff here at Hearty Home™ are happy to help! We asked our resident child development experts, Lisa Fieldman and Rosemary Prescott, along with our special guest, our recently resurrected head editor Michael Campbell, to help us out with the tough task of organizing Halloween. They were happy to rise to the challenge! Here were our questions:
HH: So, what do y’all think are this year’s must have Halloween accessories for little ones? I know we’re all excited about a few products!
LF: Oh, certainly. For my daughter, Anna-Marie Lxfosxhyey All Praise Her Name, I make sure to mix education with Halloween fun. This year I bought her first set of blocks from The Spooks Company, priced at just $30.00 apiece (available in Hearty Home stores, catalog, and with off brand versions on Amazon). They glow in the dark, fit easily in her chubby little paws, and are hand cut using trees on the far mountaintops whose souls consented to be used just for her personalized edification! Best of all, they’ve got speakers, and can be easily hooked up to your WiFi, Bluetooth, or five-dimensional cable!
RP: Well. That’s something. My son likes…Hot Wheels? But…as a child development expert, it’s important that your child gets some quality time with you, and plays, perhaps, with some more natural toys, like sticks, which are much cheaper. Either way, buy them Halloween accessories or…or don’t. I don’t know. I…haven’t had time.
MC: AEWEAWEAWEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HH: Michael, you bring up a good point about trick or treating! So - how do you guys handle that?
LF: Ooh, that’s a complex question! Folks, you must keep in mind: trick or treating is a sacred ritual of passage for your child. Before this night, you were able to protect your child in the comforts of your home, shielding them from the world to keep them pure. Now, this day is trial by fire, and you must be prepared to release them, to watch them lose their candied virginity to the world. This is the day your child comes into their full power, on which the sugar emboldens them to new heights. On this day, you must see your child’s true soul, and decide if they are to be discarded or preserved. It is in your hands.
So: I recommend lots of sanitizer, full-size candy bars, a headset to monitor their every move, and, of course, floss, so that they may wipe the impurities of this earthly world from their teeth after they’re done! How about you, Rosie?
RP: I, um, buy Snickers? And…pumpkins? Listen, it, uh, doesn’t matter. If your kid is scared, they can choose not to participate. I usually have Hot Pockets in the fridge in case that happens! Or, I did. I don’t remember. Rob ate them all…
MC: I’M UNDEAD DEAR GOD EVERYTHING HURTS I EXIST TO SUFFER AAAAAAEEAWEWEWWEAAAA
LF: Sorry, Rosie dear, but did you just say Snickers? In disregard for those with nut allergies? My comrade, mentioning Snickers?
RP: I, uh, also have Hershey’s?
HH: Um, so, TIME TO TALK ABOUT FUN LITTLE COSTUMES! EVERYBODY LOVES FUN LITTLE COSTUMES! Fun creatures, like, uh, vampires, or philosophy majors!
LF: No. I do not have time for such trivialities! My COMRADE, my BOSOM CHUM, has just admitted to a grave sin, on my holy day! Does she not see the blasphemy she has committed?
RP: No, I, uh, don’t get it. Listen, Lisa, we weren’t that close. I mostly know you from that potluck-
LF: No, Rosemary. Our lives do not exist outside of our children. They are the vessels, the bodies in which we will be reborn and LIVE ANEW! Do you not see, Rosemary, that this life is barely yours to own? Every holiday and festival must be consumed, performed to the max. This Halloween is just one moment. There is Thanksgiving, with its pumpkin spice lattes and perfect leaf arrangements. There is winter, with perfectly poised portraits and a tree made from the flayed skin of those who disobey the rules of tradition. CONSUME.
RP: Lisa…I have a 3 year old. She throws Rice Krispies at the wall and on my clothes. This is my last clean shirt. I’m human, too, y’know. Need to…sleep and eat and everything.
LF: No, ROSIE. Motherhood is not for the weak, who eat and sleep. It is for fair maidens who can make a perfect Bento box and fill their Stanley Cups with their tears, then chug it for breakfast. It is for the blondes who you will never meet! It is to compare yourself and never feel goooood enough! CONSUME! OBEY! CONSUME! OBEY!
RP: Lisa, why is your stomach opening? Lisa, are those blades?
LF: CONSUME OBEY CONSUME OBEY ALL HAIL THE ONE TRUE MASTER AMAZON.COM AND TARGET
RP: Lisa - LISA! LISA!
After this, a long string of inappropriate events for children occurred. (If you, as a parent, are concerned about such violence, we recommend buying the Permanent Retina Blocker Acid for just $49.99, available now in our stores for half price.)
HH: Man…. (pause) spooky twist at the end! This concludes our Halloween special, folks. If you have any questions, let us know by sending us a message via our PO Box at @!@#)#$#* Ln, Redbox County.
(silence)
HH: Hey, Michael, you haven’t said anything! (aside) What a wacky lazy bones!
MC: I’m literally a zombie. Please stop.
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Stay tuned for our next issue of Hearty Home, “How To Clean Up Inconvenient Blood and Gut Stains Before Dinner” featuring our favorite expert, Dr. Definitely-Not-A-Murderer-Guy. We’ll see you around, families! And as always: Keep on keepin’ on!
