By Kaavya Shah
Paul Revere
I feel like the only reason people would follow Paul Revere is because he’s an absolute lunatic. He’s the guy who told everyone to thank Beyoncé every five minutes because “Beyoncé’s coming! Beyoncé’s coming! Lock your windows and doors!” He’s the guy that somehow got a job working security for every B-list celebrity on the planet and starts every video saying, “I used to work for Cole Sprouse. This is the REAL reason he fell off.” To be honest, we’d eat it up everytime because Paul is just so good at getting you to care about Cole Sprouse, even though he hasn’t crossed your mind since you were eight. I also feel like he’d stream Geoguesser on Twitch because he just has a knack for knowing where places are.
Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr
I’m not even a Hamilton fan like that, but since the Drake and Kendrick beef ended, I think the internet has been starved for a new rivalry. Drake and Kendrick battled it out with their music, but wouldn’t it be epic if the new norm was settling arguments with some good old-fashioned sword fighting? Their battle would be so legendary, they'd start a new sports league entirely. The WWE, but sword fighting. Who cares about that guy from Bizaardvark fighting Mike Tyson when we could see Hamilton and Burr tussle on live television?
Marie Antoinette
Marie Antoinette is the rich girl who does those insane birthday and Christmas gift hauls, worth $5,000 each. She starts every video with, “Guys, I’m not trying to brag. I’m so grateful to all my fans, friends, and family for giving me these.” She links everything in her Amazon storefront, and she’s always getting ready to go to some Gatsby themed party in New York. I feel like she’d also start some kind of perfume or clothing line that’s super off brand for her. Obviously all of her merchandise would be super expensive, but really low quality. All of her once-loyal fans would turn on her and she’d be out of a social media platform but still rich so none of it even mattered.
Issac Newton
I feel Issac Newton would post content on Tik Tok, and then post the same videos on Instagram reels. All of his content is about how to increase your SAT/ACT score, how to ace calculus and physics without studying, that kind of thing. There’s also absolutely no way you can scroll past more than five videos without seeing his face. You can’t escape Issac Newton. He’s always there. He offers study plans and courses on his website, but he’s a money hungry rat, so none of it is free. The thing he’s most known for, though, is reviewing anonymous college essays and stats, and people like those videos because he’s so mean and he gets clipped all the time.