I Tried 5 Dark Web Dating Sites and was Pleasantly Surprised

By Asher Hancock:

Dating has always been rough for me on the regular web, and after experiencing numerous rejections on farmersonly.com due to my lack of farming expertise, I decided it was time to start something new. I was introduced to the dark web by a strange dwarf man in the corner of my local coffee shop and as as aspiring journalist with no literary experience this was the perfect way to make my debut. At first I wanted to keep everything strictly professional and do an unbiased profile on all these sites but I realized right away that this might be my only shot at real love. I tried many sites ranging from assassinpassion.com to FBI.gov, and as I discovered my journey through the internet’s underworld, I found that there is a funky surprise around every corner. So, without further ado, here are my top 5 dark web dating sites.

1. SatanMate.com

I set up my profile and the site gave me some lovely standard satanism presets including, but not limited to, “enjoys cuddling up by the fire at the human sacrifice ceremony" and “loves to stay in and watch rom-coms like the conjuring.” This was a nice personal romantic touch that made me feel comfortable searching for my SatanMate, and I was surprised at the amount of people that I connected with over a shared love of soul cycle. I went on multiple dates through the site and I have become more open to dating women with quirks like horns or spare tentacles. Definitely a must try, and if you survive the first date then you might even find the One.

2. WeHaveCandy.com

If you are looking to get into kidnapping and just haven’t found the right person to enjoy it with, then WeHaveCandy.com is definitely the place for you. What surprised me the most was the amount of diversity on the site. I was able to choose between starting with something light like a spontaneous ransom situation as the first date or something really hardcore like brunch. However, I do want to make it very clear that no-one was harmed or kidnapped without being returned by the end of any of my dates. The only one that was harmed was me and the only things that haven’t been returned are my calls. Damn you Beatrice.

3. BazookaMePlease.com

I must start with a warning considering the doctors are still trying to reconstruct my left thumb; When you sign up for this site make sure you don’t put “high pain tolerance” or “resilient spirit” in your profile because this will be used as an excuse to test military grade weaponry on you. That being said the black market for arms dealing has a surprising amount of lonely people and very nice people at that. One of my dates even confessed to me that she was worried about saying the wrong thing which I found charmingly ironic considering she was the one with the gun pressed up against my thigh underneath the table. At least I think that was a gun. Anyways, once they attempt to recover my gums from the acid attack, I am definitely open to a second date.

4. HarvestMyHeart.com

I am still confused as to whether this was an actual dating site considering all the body specs I had to put in my profile. The website surprisingly didn’t ask for my name but people seemed to like me for my gallbladder measurements alone. Even if it’s not a real dating site the buyer-seller relationship often turns into something far more special then you could ever imagine. Or at least you think so until you wake up in an alley naked missing a few teeth and without a chunk of your left kidney. This is primarily on my list out of respect for the surgical precision and proper use of anesthetics. The only pain I felt was after I realized I forget to give them my contact information but that’s when I realized that they had also stolen my wallet.

5. LoveIsTheMostPowerfulDrugAfterCrystalMeth.com

The only criticism that I have is of the inaccuracy of the name itself. On one of my dates I was offered a street drug called Dragonfly that is easily more potent than both love and crystal meth. I am glad to report the seizures have finally stopped and the matches just keep on coming. The website does offer complimentary clean syringes to members and I really appreciated their insistence on proper hygiene. They offered a lot of potential date activities which was nice but most of them were a little extreme for drug induced experiences. Let’s just say I am never going skydiving on shrooms again.