Jed Horsemanless

By Sophie Cohen:

FADE IN:

INT. ST. OLIVES RESTAURANT

JESS sits at a candlelit table in a dim, romantically lit restaurant. Across from her is an empty seat. She taps her heeled shoes nervously under the table. Her phone rings. It's a call from her friend KATIE. She answers it and holds it up to her ear. The camera does not show anything above her bust.

JESS

Hey it's Jess, who are you and why'd you call?

A split screen reveals Katie with her phone to her ear. She is wearing a white shirt and she lies on a bed adorned with satin sheets, a bag of chips, and one too many copies of Hello! Magazine (exactly one copy). Katie’s husband JOHN is seen in the bathroom adjacent to their room.

KATIE

(To Jess)

Hey it's Katie. What are you doing tonight? Wanna grab a drink with me at the bar? John and I decided on an open relationship…

JOHN

(To Katie, interjecting.)

Oh sick. Did we really?

KATIE

...So we gotta go in with a strong game plan.

JESS

Can't. I'm at St. Olives right now waiting for my hot date to show up.

KATIE

(To Jess)

Oh with that Jed guy right?

JESS

Yeah, Jed. This is going to be the first time I've seen him off of FaceTime. If I was the type of person to have expectations, they'd be high.

KATIE

(To Jess)

If he's wearing a white shirt you gotta spill a little of your drink on it... see if he has a six pack.

JESS

You can't say that. Imagine if a man said something like that about a woman.

KATIE

(To Jess)

Men do say stuff like that, Jess. Literally all the time. Did you know that white shirts were literally invented so that men could see our boobs?

Katie's husband JOHN moves swiftly from the bathroom where he was residing over to Katie's bed with a razor in his hand and a towel wrapped around his waist. He positions himself with his eyes right over Katie's chest.

JOHN

(To Katie, practically in her ear.)

Wow! Honey, are you serious?

KATIE

(To John)

Get out of here, I'm on a work call.

She jokingly pushes him away. As John walks back towards the bathroom, he lets his towel drop off of his waist to reveal that his legs are shaven from the knee down, and covered liberally with shaving cream up until his hips. Katie looks up and shakes her head.

KATIE

(To Jess)

You should go. Try and figure out what you're going to say to him before he gets here so you can get off to a good start.

WAITER 1 comes over to Jess's table and taps her on the back.

WAITER 1

Ma'am, your water.

Waiter 1 reaches his arm around Jess to bestow the glass of water upon her table. Jess startles and her phone flies into the air, lands in her glass and creates a splash that leaves her white polyester shirt completely transparent. The call is ended automatically due to the submerged nature of the phone and Katie is met with a dial tone.

WAITER 1

Look at those gazingas! Holy shit!! Your meal is on me.

The screen un-splits, taking the view solely back to Jess at the restaurant. Jess tucks a napkin into the nape of her shirt and Waiter 1 walks back to the kitchen. A man wheels a cart covered in a white tablecloth over to the table. On top of the cart rests a silver platter with a lid.

JESS

Oh I actually didn't order anything. I'm still waiting on my hot date.

The man lifts the lid off of the platter to reveal JED. "Jed" is just a head and neck on a platter. With that, the man walks away leaving Jess and Jed alone together to proceed with the rest of their date.

JESS

Jed?

JED

Hi Jess. I've actually been meaning to tell you this for a while but my name is pronounced "Head" not Jed.

JESS

Your name is pronounced Head. Are you being serious?

JED

Of course. Why?

Jess reaches across the table and lifts the tablecloth that covers Jed's cart. She lifts it up and peaks under. The camera remains at eye level with Jed.

JESS

I dunno. I just think it's a bit, ya know, funny. Don't you?

JED

I've never been one for jokes.

JESS

Me neither…

Jess comes back out from under Jed's cart.

JESS

...so is the whole Jed thing like a coincidence or something?

JED

It's so weird you bring that up. Someone asked me the same question just the other day.

JESS

For the first time?

JED

Yeah.

JESS

Ever?

JED

Yeah.

JESS

Ok. So what's your deal?

JED

My mom gave birth to me at a Mexican restaurant--Uncle Julios-- it's actually right down the street.

JESS

You're kidding!...

JEDD

(Interjecting)

I’m not one to kid.

JESS

...I was born at Uncle Julios too! I'm going t-

Jed is unimpressed and he glosses right over the incredible coincidence that Jess has just brought into light.

JED

It was ‘unlimited margaritas night’. She went in dilated at 9 inches and came out with .25% Blood Alcohol Content, a preemie and a viking shaped bald patch on her head.

Jess's shoulders drop. She is clearly crushed by Jed's disinterest.

JED

She had wanted to name me Jed for a long time but that night she decided that she wanted to pronounce j-e-d as "Head" in what she called "a tribute to my Mexican roots".

JESS

And you don't at all think it's ironic that your name is pronounced "Head" and you're a head?

JED

Well, no. I have a neck too.

JESS

The neck is kind of easy to look past…

Jess shifts around in her chair and leans away from the table.

JESS

...well alright. Do you have any idea of what you might want to order? I heard the lobster here is great.

JED

Ah! I'm so glad you brought up the lobster. I actually-

WAITER 2 wheels a cart covered in a white tablecloth over to the table. On top of the cart rests a silver platter with a lid.

JESS

Oh god, what is this? Your son or something?

Waiter 2 lifts the lid off of the platter to reveal a beautiful lobster adorned with all the fancy shit that lobsters are usually adorned with lying on the platter. With that, The Waiter walks away leaving Jess and Jed alone with the lobster. Jed resumes his sentence.

JED

No, I'm clearly infertile. I actually called ahead and ordered us a lobster. I told them to give us the most big, most plumpest lobster they could.

Waiter 2 peaks his head out from the kitchen where he resides.

WAITER 2

That is true! He called ahead weeks ago. He said "I want you to pick out a lobster for me and my date that looks like it would get fat-shamed at a barre class".

JED

And tell her what you told me.

WAITER 2

I told him the lobsters aren't fresh, they're premade.

Waiter 2 disappears back into the kitchen.

JED

And I said "I've never heard of such a thing as a premade lobster."

JESS

I used to have a job premaking lobster.

JED

I told you I've never been much for jokes.

JESS

And I told you "me too".

Jess looks down and clears her throat.

JESS (CONT'D)

So where's the rest of you?

JED

I lost it in a horseback riding accident. I angered a young foal and its mother and father started playing tug of war with my body. The mother ran away with the other half of me...took it to Spooky Hollow I think... (pauses to think)...and I kind of just rolled home.

The camera, for the very first time, reveals Jess in her full glory. She has no head or neck.

JESS

It’s interesting that you say that because my mom is actually a mare.