By Inaya Gandhi
1. Stop avoiding the leg press at the gym: you’ll need it
The second that seat leans back and pushes the little TV that I’m watching Crazy Rich Asians 2 inches from my face, there’s more to lose than 20/20 vision and whatever’s on my tray table.
So, when the seat in front, like every J-named boy in your life, ultimately disappoints you, you’re going to need every ounce of core leg strength you can get.
I urge all of you to push back against the system that has wronged you – and I mean, by literally pushing back.
2. Window seat = UTI
No, this is not a stretch.
If you somehow are gaslighted into the window seat by a 10-minute view of the sunset before being launched into the sky, I send my condolences when the time comes to pee, and you realize – there are only 2 ways out:
1. Wiggle out with a hunchbacked side-shuffle and demolish the mysterious vibe you’ve been trying to give off to the guy in aisle 3. (I guarantee you, nobody is attracted to Quasimodo)
2. Or, politely poke two sets of people hard enough in the shoulder and wake them up from their slumber. If you somehow choose this option, savor your freedom from your ‘aesthetic’ window seat, because tired angry persons #1 and #2 aren’t letting you back out again.
3. Hold it. (this usually leads to this rule’s title)
Choose the safety of your body, not your Instagram highlights.
3. Turbulence: don’t do it
Turbulence is like the UK’s new National Service plan: there are ups, there are downs, and there’s a risk of death.
You have no choice
And you can’t get out.
But don’t worry! if you plan on sleeping during this flight, you’ve got bigger problems than the plane giving you a 30-second trial run (no credit card fee) of falling to your death.
Absolute score.
4. Eat each bite of food with suspicion
This is the last, and most important rule.
Opening your lunch and seeing grill marks on a chicken that has clearly not been grilled 40,000 feet high, is something to question.
Forgive me if there’s a chef in the back of the plane slinging out some freshly grilled hamburgers, but to my knowledge chief plane griller is not a current position.
In fact, eating plane food is like living in the UK. Some parts are hot, some are cold, and none of it will satisfy you.
Enjoy your flight, don’t sit tight, and please, don’t have a bite (of any plane food).
Comments