By Cyrus Sarfaty
INT. OPERATING ROOM
Three nurses– eager to operate and fresh out of med school– are crouched together, performing what seems to be open-heart surgery over a splayed-out body. A heart-rate monitor beeps ever faster.
NURSE 1
Someone hand me that tourniquet! The patient is bleeding all over!
NURSE 2
Isn’t that normal?
NURSE 1
You think this is normal? The blood’s dripping onto my shoes!
NURSE 3
Oh God!
NURSE 1
Hand me the damn tourniquet!
NURSE 2
A tourniquet won’t help! I think we’d be risking a blood clot.
NURSE 3
Well, think of something! He’s getting paler by the second!
NURSE 2
Dr. Brian, what’s the course of action?
NURSE 1
Dr. Brian, what do we do?
DR. BRIAN, mid-50s with a massive bald spot, comes into frame. We see that he’s busy texting.
NURSE 1
Dr. Brian!
DR. BRIAN holds up his index finger. One minute.
NURSE 1
Dr. Brian, what’s taking so long?
DR. BRIAN
I’m sending a text to my wife.
NURSE 3
Doc, he’s losing blood fast! How long does it take to send a text?
NURSE 2
What kind of message are you even replying to?
DR. BRIAN
My wife asked me if we were good for brunch at noon on Sunday. If you don’t mind, I’d like to reply to my wife.
NURSE 1
Isn’t that a yes or no question?
NURSE 3
Just heart the frickin’ message! Help us out here!
DR. BRIAN
I don’t know how to do that.
NURSE 3
How to help us out here or how to heart the message?
DR. BRIAN
Both.
NURSE 2
Just press and hold what your wife sent!
NURSE 2 comes in and tries to manhandle the phone away from DR. BRIAN. The phone goes flying and lands on the floor.
DR. BRIAN
Dammit! Now I have to start all over again!
NURSE 1
I’m sure it automatically saved--
DR. BRIAN
You know what– now that I have another chance, I’ll write “Sure, sounds good” with an exclamation mark at the end. Ooh! Or better yet, I’ll include a GIF of Cyborg with his meatball gun from that show my son used to watch.
NURSE 2
Dr. Brian, that’ll take you an hour to type out!
NURSE 3
Dr. Brian, you watched Teen Titans Go?
DR. BRIAN
Guys, I think I’m a pretty good typist. I pride myself on my approach.
NURSE 1
What approach?!
DR. BRIAN
I type the first two letters, then hover over the autocomplete options for a few seconds to see if the word I want is there. Then I type the next letter, and so on.
NURSE 3
Doctor, we’re standing in a pool of blood! You’ve got to do something!
NURSE 1
Just write the letter “k” and press send!
DR. BRIAN
That’s not my writing voice! My wife knows that!
Suddenly, the doctors hear a loud, sustained beep.
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