My Trip to Club Panera

By Rose Aune

Recently, Panera has been receiving significant media attention for their St. Patrick’s Day promo: green bread bowls. However, I encourage you to look beyond the superficial and focus on the more significant branding move Panera has made: their transition from restaurant to club. But first, some backstory. 

I am a proud member of what happens to be my most significant and time consuming extracurricular, the Panera Sip Club. As a member of this elite group, I get the red carpet rolled out for me both literally and figuratively every time I come to Panera: I receive a completely free drink (no blended drinks, specialty coffees, or refills, of course). Sipping on my pomegranate hibiscus iced tea, I set out to do the lifesaving work that makes up my days: writing pieces like this and figuring out if dropshipping will really make me a millionaire. 

Last week, however, a grating noise violated the inner sanctum of my corner table at the local Panera. An incredibly niche genre of music called Electronic Taylor Swift. When I heard the opening drum of Antihero, I was delighted. This would be an earbud free day for me at Panera, enjoying the music playing out loud like a peasant in a Shakespearean Hamlet. But then it warped. 

Maybe the sound cut out, I thought to myself, unaware of the torment that was being unleashed on me. But then it continued, more electronic sounds being added in, like an 80s aerobic video. Quickly, I shoved my Airpods in, hoping to shut out the war crime on my innocent ears. 

If you have not been through the trauma of poorly produced electronic music before, you likely do not understand how penetrating the sounds are. The siren sounds and high-pitched beeps cut through even the strongest noise cancellation. And the volume? Turned up to the max. People were sitting closer and closer trying to hear each other. Despite themselves, a few people were bopping to this mediocre pop-meets-cityscapes playlist. I even saw one dancing with a baguette held aloft. 

Old souls reading this may remember the collective teen club faze of the late 90’s and early 2000’s. These clubs, billed as a safe place for teens to hang, featured electronic music and nonalcoholic beverages. Now, instead of teen clubs, we have Club Panera, closing at a conservative 9:00 p.m. If you are considering buying Panera stock, now is the time. Club Panera is set to take off, and yes this is a sponsored message.