By Elsa Boehm
After yet another failed situationship with a guy who listened to Weezer, I’ve decided to dedicate my energy to more valuable things: marinating in the knowledge of my own mortality and feeling the rhythmic waves of grief and gastrointestinal unease as I somberly munch on a family sized bag of Cheetos. As a result, my contribution to society is this: rankings of male manipulator music from “reflects the harsh reality of the enigma that is society” to “run”.
Radiohead
As I listen to Radiohead while volunteering for the less fortunate, mournfully packaging raw potatoes into paper bags, I get the acute sense that I’m about to be the pitiful subject of a fellow volunteer’s college essay. Meanwhile, I try to embody the same sense of social responsibility that Radiohead failed to manifest when they convinced thousands of pretentious finance bros that they were actually tortured geniuses. However, I like feeling like a Mensa inductee just for staring out the window, so Radiohead goes at the top of the list.
Neutral Milk Hotel
When Jeff Magnum sings the line “semen stains the mountaintops” multiple times with a straight face, it makes me want to jump off a cliff. “What mountaintops?” I ask. “The Smokies? The Rockies?” It’s enough to make me glance trepidatiously at the ground as I hike nearby hills.
The Smiths
The primary emotion that The Smiths convey finds its place somewhere between that of a beached whale and that of the 100lb environmentalist trying to push it back into the water. Like, I get that Morrissey tried his best to address major societal issues–but Morrisey also was a major societal issue, which sort of balanced that out. To people who listen to The Smiths, I get it–nobody understands the depths of your suffering. You are now free to pretend Zooey Deschanel wants you and try to resuscitate your sense of self-esteem from the depths of the abyss.
The Strokes
Whenever I’m sad about not being able to look aloof in a black and white photo, I listen to the Strokes for consolation. Their Spotify profile pic looks as if one of these Buddy Holly clones declared, "Yeah, we're totally influenced by The Velvet Underground, but what if we made it look like we were too hungover to actually play?” However, I relate to the Strokes on a deeper level than their lacking photoshop skills. Their lyrics remind me of when I go to my local gentrified French café to study, only to come back with 50% more ennui and 0% more insight.
The Cure
The Cure is a testament to the danger of unethical thesaurus usage. While I can understand the tendency to stare into the abyss wearing black eyeliner, saying the literal words “when all candles be out all cattes be gray” is multiple steps too far.
Arctic Monkeys
The answer to their oft-repeated question in one song, “Do I Wanna Know?” is “no, I don’t.” You’re not cool for saying the word “cigarette” in a song. Nicotine is actually bad for you. #Daretoresistdrugsandviolence
Deftones
When someone tells me they like Deftones, I immediately know there is at least a 75% chance that their father left to get the newspaper from the mailbox and never came back. Listening to Deftones, I can either waste an hour pretending I understand how to process my feelings or actually listen to the lead singer screaming like he stubbed his toe in an interdimensional void.
Car Seat Headrest
Jail. Immediately.
Though many people think of male manipulators simply as emos just a few decades shy of their inevitable midlife crisis who have never felt the touch of a woman, they are so much more than that. They say they think you’re cool and then they make you watch American Psycho because Patrick Bateman is apparently a deeply relatable person, which makes you question whether they think you’re a psychopath too. They tell you you should try to be more “cultured”, and then jam an earbud playing Nirvana into your ear as if you’ve never heard the riff of Smells Like Teen Spirit before.
However, I believe it is important to separate the male manipulator music from the male manipulator. And after a long time listening to it in failed attempts to impress guys, I would give male manipulator music a solid 11/10. In other words, if you’re a guy with a guitar severely lacking in social skills, please date me.
Disclaimer: not everyone who listens to this music is a male manipulator. Some people just need to have a Menty B sometimes, and that’s so for real.