Shakespeare, But I Make It Understandable

By Kaavya Shah

Henry V Context : King Henry tries to get Princess Katherine to marry him, which basically consists of him saying he’s not like other boys

If I could get a girl by doing athletic stuff like leap-frog or bragging about how great I am,

I’d have like, 15 wives right now

But, lowkey, I’m just trying to speak from the heart and skip all the bragging stuff, 

Which I normally don’t do unless I really have to

I understand if you can’t accept a guy like me

I’m really pale and you’d have to use your imagination to pretend I’m attractive 

But, I’ll give it to you straight. If you can love me, then marry me. If not,

Then I’ll definitely die, but on God, I would never die for you

While you’re alive, take a regular ol’ guy like me to be your husband 

I have to treat you right, because I can’t woo you in other places, if you catch my drift

A lot of men can sweet talk you, and fall at your feet,  and do all these favors to win your love

But, they never stick around for long

Just lock in really quick. If you think about it, a speaker is just someone who yaps

A song is just a poem

Good legs will break, a straight back could get scoliosis, people are gonna get old and wrinkly

But someone with a good heart; that’s something that will never fade

And guess who has a good heart (Henry non-discreetly points at himself)

What I’m getting at here is, if you’re gonna take any guy, take me. I have a good heart

So pick me, choose me, love me

Whaddya say?

Much Ado About Nothing Context : Dogberry is interrogating a criminal, who implies that he’s a fool (he is), and Dogberry just keeps on fumbling when he tries to defend himself

Do you know who I am, tough guy?

Do you know that I’m literally old enough to be your father?

You’re here to make a fool out of me, huh?

But don’t forget, I am a “fool”. Even though it’s not written down yet, I’m a “silly little clown”

You, on the other hand, are the biggest opp ever. A villain. You’re just sooooo pious, aren’t you?

Well, guess what? There’s a whole witness stand out there that’s going to drill you into the dirt

I’m actually a really smart guy. I’m an officer, landowner and the diva-est diva that ever lived

I actually know the law, and I’m richer than you. So, yeah

Get him out of my sight!

Dogberry says to himself “Can you believe it? He was calling me, me of all people, a fool”

Romeo and Juliet Context : Benvolio retells the story of the fight that led to Mercutio and Tybalt’s deaths, and it is EPIC

So basically y’all, Romeo killed Tybalt right here

But, Romeo literally told him that the fight was stupid, and he said it so nicely and gently

Obviously, he couldn’t get through to Tybalt, who did not want to stop fighting at all

After that, Tybalt pointed his sword at Mercutio and OMG HE’S ABOUT TO DIE

But then, Mercutio does the toughest thing ever and legit pushes the sword away

And Romeo interjects again and is like “Guys, stop, this isn’t you”

Everything went downhill from there. It all happened so fast

Romeo tried to push their swords away

But between his arms, Tybalt found an opening and thrusted his sword through it

Stabbing Mercutio and taking his life

And then Tybalt runs away

But now, Romeo is up and ready for round 2, and unfortunately for Tybalt, he’s out for blood

And they started fighting so fast, it was like lightning. I lowkey didn’t bother separating them

Romeo ended up stabbing Tybalt, and then he ran away

And that’s the truth from your boy Benvolio. Let God strike me down if I’m lying