By Siona Kirschner
In case you have somehow managed to avoid downloading Duolingo, all you need to know to understand this piece is that there’s a 99.9% chance the terrifying green owl is a million times worse than your creepiest ex. He guilt trips, he threatens, he sends his friends to talk to you, he sends your friends to talk to you. All if he doesn’t hear from you for a single day. Unfortunately, I am very susceptible as proven by my 273 day streak and the presence of the Duolingo widget on my homescreen. I do hope to someday break free. Recently, his PR team has realized what a toxic individual he is. Instead of trying to put a stop to this behavior, if only for the sake of his public image, they have chosen to encourage his unacceptable creepiness, using it as part of his brand. This, in all honesty, is terrifying. They now make jokes about Duolingo’s outsized reaction if you haven’t done your daily lesson, posting reels on Instagram about Duolingo hunting you and even releasing the (admittedly extremely catchy) song Spanish or Vanish. This would maybe all be funny if it wasn’t what the devious bird truly wishes to do. If he wasn’t trapped within the confines of the digital world, I have zero doubt I would be kidnapped if not dead for the number of streak freezes I have used. It’s time to stop acting like Duolingo’s inability to bring us physical harm means that he wouldn’t if he could. He definitely would. This makes the cutesy-washing being done by his team not just disturbing, but truly concerning and unacceptable.
NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: This piece was written well before Duolingo’s apparent death, because the author is a proactive legend who does things in advance. Her negative feelings towards Duo have NO RELATION to the tragic incident that occurred. If it did, she would not be bold enough to publish this. Not to mention that the late Duo the Owl was killed at the hands of a Cybertruck, which the author would never be found in.