By: GUEST WRITER (representing An Organization)
Ah, summer. What a calm, freeing, adrenaline rush coke of a season. Just thinking about it conjures up thoughts of peaceful days full of blue skies, pastry puff clouds, and the smell of chlorine-urine in the breeze. Unfortunately for us, fall looms on the horizon, dooming us to cold air, crusty grass, and - worst of all - social interactions. Whether it be awkward dinners to inelegant, sweaty school projects, there will always be some occasion where you wear the wrong clothes, forget everyone’s names, and go home to review each mistake in stunning 4k vision. For decades, humans have had to muddle through these inefficient situations, but no more. In the age of technology, we can avoid them altogether! Utilizing a cutting-edge, completely scientific method pioneered by Dr. Tim Mid, the modern human can eliminate weird contact with their fellow meat-sacks forever!
Intrigued? Then follow these 7 easy steps:
1. Make yourself completely unrelatable. In order to best disconnect with people, you must first make sure that you have no common ground whatsoever. Oh, she’s into Taylor Swift? Well, you listen to Simpsonwave pirate metal from the year 1999 made by the band Backnickel, and you do so while you decoupage old records of the Watergate Tapes (Dubstep Edition). They like volleyball? Spend 3 hours explaining to them the fine art of extreme iron zorbing, emphasizing all the action of sheet-straightening until they fall into a trance. Though this may seem like time wasted in interaction, every bit of it is a key step in alienating you from everybody, ever.
2. Tie yourself up with engagements (real or not). For those of us who struggle with time management, this next one may be a tricky step: to everybody else, you must become the busiest, most boring person alive. Suddenly, you’ll be planning trips to movies about artistic snowfall while simultaneously learning professional librarian-shushing and developing a sitcom around the inner lives of sentient toenail fungus (with plenty of closeup shots). If you don’t want to do those things, just say you’re an astronomer, and that you have ‘star stuff’ to do. Stare at the stars and say enough professional jargon enough till they suspect that’s the case, and leave you alone. This will all be quite important for our next step.
3. Get really into stargazing and radio making. I wasn’t joking about this part: you have to start to commit to the star stuff. Learn as much as you can about quantum particle theory, alternate universes, and the three-body problem, whatever that is. (Watch the show if you need the Cliff Notes.) Start learning about wavelengths, too. Put your soul into it until you can recite Cosmos forwards and backward, have become aligned with the threads of the universe, and, basically, become an expert. Now, proceed…
4. Contact an alien civilization and buddy up. Being the all-powerful expert that you are, the limitations of the planet Earth are too small for you. No, you need a challenge!
Perhaps you’ll contact the Sbraxitons in the Andromeda galaxy, or the #*@$% of Proxima Centauri, a bit closer to home. Become close with them in place of the dull apes that surround you. So close, in fact, that they feel like family, enough that you talk to them every hour, and think about them through the nights, gazing up at their faraway homes. You can almost feel your mind and theirs, ticking in perfect harmony…
5. Invite them over to Earth for a chat and some playtime. After all, they’re so much better than your kind, in so many ways! Your species is so pathetic and fleshy, destructive and stupid. They’ve been looking for a challenge, too, and your planet is perfect! Besides, you’ll get some quality time together, too, and finally get to meet your heroes! After all, wasn’t it always the rest of the world that was always the problem?
6. Live in perfect solitude as the last person left on Earth. Finally, all of the blinking world is gone, snapped away to atomic bits, and it’s just you, the only perfect human spared from the disaster. You’ll get to read that book you’ve never gotten around to, and watch that TV show with the cliffhanger everyone’s talking about. You should be at peace, but you can’t stop thinking about the fact that the TV show will never finish. Or that you’ll never meet the book’s author. Inside your mind, something in you breaks. No music? No sound? All the living creatures gone? This is all YOUR fault! YOUR fault! YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT
7. Finally improve yourself and ascend. You never liked that old body anyway. So primitive. The creatures that surround you now are your kind. Your mind is expanded, your horizons beyond what you ever could have imagined. Human? You’ve never heard the word. It’s locked away in the part of you that needed words. You are pure now. No more emotions. None of that business. Just you and the infinite cosmos…
forever….
and forever….
silence.
(Dr. Tim Mid is available for consultations at every time that isn’t part of the week. If you opened this article in any part of the galaxy and read the methods that were explained here, you are advised to contact your local signal of gamma light and to step into it. Assistance will be here to help you through the process, whatever it takes. Whatever. It. Takes.
Have a nice micromillimetersecond.
Or day.
Whatever banal illusion you speak of as a salutation.
It is of no interest.)
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