By Amelia Ell
1 INT. ICE CREAM PARLOR - MID-MORNING
Weak light trickles into a cheaply furnished ice cream parlor. The decorations are from the dollar store. The chairs are from IKEA. Some coffee shop pop covers played by spoons (the instrument) bounce in the background as DEALER, the ice cream scooper, idly twiddles with some unsolicited flyers lying on the counter. She bolts upright and briefly dances to the doorbell jingle as MARK walks in. Mark, a visible chronic stress-sweater and lactose-intolerance denialist, discreetly flaps his elbows like chicken wings to fan the armpit region.
DEALER
(alarmingly enthusiastic)
Looking for some ice cream?
MARK
I mean, yeah... That's why I'm h--
DEALER
PSYCHIC ICE CREAM?
MARK
(confused and probably
tired; the bags under
his eyes are barely
hanging on. Point is,
his brain isn't prepared
for Dealer right now)
Is that... like a brand?
DEALER
A brand? No, we source mostly Everyday Value. I mean ice cream that tells your future! Be wary. Choose wisely.
MARK
Okay then. I think I'll just go for...
Mark points at his selection, jabbing close enough to leave a slightly moist imprint on the glass.
MARK
(con't)
Hey, what's that one?
DEALER
Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
MARK
What? Why?
DEALER
That's Bubblegum Birthday Cake. Sprinkles are baaad news.
MARK
Well--
Mark regards the half-empty tub the same way he reads fortune cookie slips with poorly translated advice. Do optimism onto others and optimism will be done onto you. or Rome was built in a day. That kind of thing.
MARK
How about this one?
DEALER
Mango Tango. It's a 50-50 gamble. If I scoop it right, you get a 2-storey yacht and a private island off the coast of British Columbia. If not, you lose your apartment in a breakdancing competition and fall in love with your elementary school librarian. I wouldn't take my chances.
MARK
Strawberry. Then just give me some strawberry.
DEALER
Strawberries and Cream or Strawberry Sorbet? Very important distinction. Could mean the difference between jock itch and no jock itch.
MARK
Well, which is which?
DEALER
I don't, know, William--
MARK
Mark. It's Mark.
DEALER
(cont'd)
You tell me, William.
MARK
Okay. I'm getting the pattern. Rocky Road is probably some messed up fate ending with me losing my dignity.
The all-consuming sweat stains would beg to differ. That quality was gone a long time ago.
DEALER
Right on, William. And one could assume Tiger Tail is a dangerous future to wrangle.
MARK
Yeah, no shit.
DEALER
Au contraire, shit. Literal shit. Nine times out of ten, a lot of shit is involved. If that doesn't appeal to you, I'd go for Lemon Cupcake.
MARK
But I thought you said to stay away from sprinkles.
DEALER
Yup, they roughly translate to 'strained long-distance relationship', but this one's funny because it's with Danny DeVito.
MARK
Lemon means 'Danny DeVito?'
DEALER
Lemon means 'short balding men'. Cupcake means 'sounds and/or looks like The Lorax'
MARK
Doesn’t sound like my type. How about Lime Sherbert?
DEALER
Be careful with that one. If you don't eat it before it melts, you basically just started WWIII.
MARK
Do they all cause something terrible?
DEALER
Pretty much, yup. Check out the toppings.
MARK
Fudge sauce?
DEALER
7 years of runny bowels.
MARK
Whipping cream?
DEALER
Death by assassination.
MARK
'Whipped Topping'?
DEALER
Also death by assassination. Just cheaper.
Mark surveys each flavor.
MARK
So the only one that could possibly be promising is Gold Metal Ribbon.
DEALER
Oh, names can be deceiving, William--
MARK
It’s Mark.
DEALER
(con't)
What's the monkey's paw, William? What's the monkey's paw?
At this, Mark finally snaps. He snaps an IKEA chair too, raising it into the air, sweat stains ablaze.
MARK
Can you just give me the ice cream?
DEALER
(sighs)
Could I at least put a little dollop of lemon curd on it?
MARK
No.
DEALER
Fine. Cup or cone?
MARK
Oh, it doesn't really matter... Let's go with cone.
DEALER
(rolls her eyes)
Someone's gonna regret that on the next full moon.
2 EXT. ICE CREAM PARLOR WINDOW - MID-MORNING
Dealer watches as Mark slams the door behind him.
Through the window, zoom in on splinters of the broken IKEA chair. A small plaque reads: In memory of William.
Comments