TIS THE SEASON TO BE HOLLY
A Hallmark Christmas Parody
Written By
Charlie Jolley
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Jake is unrealistically stirring a bowl of cookie dough,
while staring pensively into the distance. He is early
thirties, wonderfully attractive and clad in a knitted
Christmas jumper.
A snowy backdrop has clearly been photoshopped onto the
window.
JAKE
Man, it’s this time of year that I
really miss my wife.
Jake swigs back a wine glass of diluted Ribena.
NARRATOR
And let’s not specify whether she’s
dead or she just left you.
Transition: Stock footage of a tower block in New York, with
the twin towers in the background.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Holly is a high-flying journalist
who lives in stock footage of New
York that still has the twin towers
in the background. She has been
working tirelessly in the run up to
Christmas.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Holly is sitting alone in her storage-cupboard-sized office,
drumming her fingers on the empty desk.
INTERCUT - Phone conversation
HOLLY
Hello my quirky gay BFF, I’ve
decided to go home to my quaint
town in Snow Pines this year for
Christmas.
BOBBY
But how are you going to get there
when the torrential snow has caused
85% of flights to be either
cancelled or delayed?
HOLLY
Oh Bobby, you don’t need facts and
figures when you’ve got Christmas
spirit!
They laugh enthusiastically for a beat too long.
BOBBY
But no, seriously.
Transition: A random gif of some falling snow and an idyllic
ski cottage.
NARRATOR
The Student Review rated this film
'ok'. That’s one away from
outstanding.
EXT. SNOW PINES - DAY
Holly and Jake are walking aimlessly down the icy sidewalk,
and inevitably bump into each other.
HOLLY
Jake? My super white super
Christian ex-boyfriend?
JAKE
Holly? Wow, I haven't seen you for
precisely twenty years. All the
feelings are rushing back, despite
the fact I've been married since
then. Look, I know this is
completely inappropriate since I
barely know you, but do you want to
go to the ice ball tonight?
HOLLY
Oh my god, that's like the hottest
event of the year!
CUT TO:
INT. ICE BALL - NIGHT
A room of five people shuffling awkwardly on the dance floor.
JAKE
Didn't you always say this place
was too small for your big dreams?
HOLLY
A girl can change her mind, can't
she?
Holly and Jake both lean in to kiss, but just in the nick of
time, a loud PING stops them. They look around to find where
the random noise came from.
JAKE
Was that a microwave?
HOLLY
Look, this was a mistake. I'm going
to go and console in my new best
friend, brackets the only black guy
in town.
Holly dramatically runs away.
JAKE
Wait!
Jake makes no effort to follow her.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Holly and Ben (the only black guy in town) share a meaningful
heart-to-heart conversation.
HOLLY
Ever since my hamster died ten
Christmases ago, I've never been
able to celebrate the holiday
season.
BEN
You need to hold Christmas in your
heart, and never let it go.
HOLLY
You're so wise. How do I know you
again, since there's like a ten
year age difference between us?
BEN
Get off my case, I don't have a
backstory.
NARRATOR
Come join us this Christmas for
"Tis the season to be Holly".
(MORE)
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Featuring...David Cringle, a guy
you probably recognise from every
Hallmark movie ever.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Jake, "David Cringle", winks to the camera in a slightly
charming slightly creepy sort of way.
NARRATOR
Tiffany Tinsel, a name you've never
heard before, but let's be honest,
she looks pretty hot.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Holly, "Tiffany Tinsel", unrealistically pounds away on her
computer without even looking down at the keys. She then
turns around and smiles at the camera.
An intern walks in the background holding a tray of teas, but
instantly backs away once he realises they're still filming.
NARRATOR
And finally...Anne Christmas, a
woman so old she looks like she
died in the beginning of Up.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Holly's mum, "Anne Christmas", slides a batch of cookies from
out of the oven without wearing oven gloves. She doesn't
flinch.
Tiffany edges her way into the shot, still smiling, until she
completely steals Anne's spotlight.
INT. LOUNGE - DAY
Holly, Jake, Holly's mum, Ben and a random assortment of
Christmas-jumper-wearing villagers, are crowded around the
plastic fireplace.
HOLLY
I think I've finally found the true
meaning of Christmas.
JAKE
Now Holly, let's go share one dry
kiss under a gazebo.
HOLLY
No, I'm an independent woman Jake,
and I don't need a man in my life
to tell me what to do.
NARRATOR
That's right, a Christmas movie
with a feminist twist! What will
they think of next? A romance
starring a gay couple? A film with
two black actors? Find it all here
on 'The Christmas Channel'.
JAKE
Wait, I was told there'd be a
kissing scene?
END.
Comentários