By Nathaniel Promer
When duty calls, secret agents from around the country are there to answer. But sometimes, they might not even know they’re a secret agent.
That’s how secret it is.
To answer this question of whether or not you are a secret agent, we have (in no real order) some of the most common ways people find out that they’re secret agents.
After work, a man in a trenchcoat who you’ve noticed has been following you approaches. You walk down a different hallway to avoid him, only to find him at the end of that hallway as well. He walks toward you swiftly. You turn to run, only to find there are two of him, and they’re cornering you. He grabs you and pulls two pills out of his trenchcoat, one red and one blue. He tells you to choose one. You say, “I’m Libertarian, Bitch,” and whip out a cyanide pill.
The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) texts you asking if you would like to buy government crypto, and you respond, “sry, too busy being secret agent. Pls don’t fire”
Your mysteriously rich neighbor leaves a note on your stoop asking you to attend a party. At the party, you find yourself having fun and playing old sports, one of which involves some aspects of being a secret agent. You think, hey this is pretty fun, and decide to enlist as a secret agent.
Your boss only introduces himself by saying, “Bond. James Bond.”
Your Russian grandfather butt dials you while you are in a police interrogation room trying to explain why there was $300,000 in imported axolotls in your van, and the best way to get a plea deal is tell the police your grandfather is a mob boss.
You believe you are a veterinarian, but the only shot you know how to give is labeled “truth serum,” and you never give it to pets.
The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) fires you anyway, and on your notice it says “secret agent.”
Your coworkers refer to you exclusively as “The Weapon” in very hushed tones.
You ask your teacher what the word espionage means and why it’s listed everywhere in your job description.
You are called for jury duty.
You wear a fedora and are a platypus.
You are about to go to sleep when you see a batman shaped silhouette in your window. Overtaken by the urge to inspect it, you venture forth. It is Batman!
You know all the most common ways for people to discover they are secret agents.
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